I was in my 20s and had just moved. I had been job searching for a while and had a couple of interviews, but wasn’t getting any job offers. I had had some temp work to help pay the bills, but I needed a permanent gig that would be reliable. I finally got an interview at a local private school with a very kindly gentleman who asked me all the usual questions and then he said very directly, “You know, you are an excellent candidate and I am very interested in hiring you, but I honestly think you would be bored with this job. I think you should wait for something better than this.” I was completely thrown off. I just said to him, “But I need a job!” And to be honest, if he’d offered it to me, I’d have taken it.
But he was right. Two weeks later, I had an interview across the road at another school and they hired me. I worked there for 3 years and loved the job. It was the first time I was stretched in my career and it gave me great skills that I still use today. I’m so glad that kind man didn’t offer me that job!
However, it taught me how hard it can be to say no to the thing that is easy and in front of you, rather than to reach for the harder or the unknown.
I have seen many students I work with do the same thing: sticking with the job they have done for years and know really well (serving at a restaurant, working in retail) rather than stretch into the unknown.
There are risks. It can be scary to step into a career job, and may result in waiting longer than you would want to. It may not work out right away. However, to shift into the career you’ve been training for and dreaming of, you need to start seeing yourself as working towards a “career” rather than working in a “job”. The place to start is in how you present yourself on your resume and in your cover letter.
There is a skill that needs to be learned in writing strong resume content. Many students write their resume to reflect that mindset by describing their job duties. A career resume shows skills that have been developed through multiple work experiences and that can be transferred into another role. For example, a person with three years of experience in a fast-food restaurant has amazing skills in working under pressure, meeting tight deadlines, solving problems and communicating. It isn’t always easy to show those to potential employers, however it is possible to learn!
Example: Morgan has worked at Wendy’s for two years as a Crew Member. She is applying to work as a Legal Assistant in a law firm. Her resume lists “Prepared food orders quickly” and “Kept restaurant clean”. Neither of these skills will be needed to work in a law office, so we can change them around to make them relevant.
Once you get the interview, you have to do the work of learning what to say and how to speak like a professional in your field, not a retail worker or high school student in a part-time job.. Every interview gives you experience. Every job gives you experience. Every experience gives you experience. Leverage what you have to get you where you want to go. And don’t be afraid to make use of career services in your community. Employment Ontario offers free careers services in most communities throughout the province. Many resources are available online and easily accessible.
The process of moving into a career and out of the part-time job mindset is all in your head. If you feel ready and take hold of the opportunity, you will rise up into it. Even if you have a few flops along the way, it’s all good learning. Your attitude of being a learner and willing to try will be the best favour you can give yourself.
I used to get these two words mixed up all the time even though I know they are completely different. For some reason they seemed similar to me. Recently the Holy Spirit showed me that they are two different aspects of how we approach our lives and careers:
Aerodynamic - this refers to how objects move efficiently through air to reduce friction and drag. People with aerodynamic careers think about long-term plans and strategize to move forward. There can be many reasons for being aerodynamic, and not all of them are negative. The person may be ambitious, easily bored, want to achieve a lot of different goals, or even save for a large purchase.
How do you plan for an aerodynamic career? Your long-term and short-term goals should be set and evaluated regularly to guide you along the way.
Ergonomic - this refers to systems and actions intended to minimize repetitive strain or injury due to consistent use. People with ergonomic careers intend to stay put for the long term. They may move within the same organization, but don’t intend to go anywhere else. They may put up with a number of conflicts and challenges in order to maintain the stability of a predictable situation.
How do you plan an ergonomic career? Find ways to avoid strain or burnout from repetitive behaviour.
Neither of these two career paths is better than the other. They both have positive and negative sides. You may gravitate to the one that is most comfortable, but you should prepare for the possibility that you will need to pivot and accept more change (or less) than you like. See it as an opportunity for growth. God will be right there with you!
“Sing to him a new song; play skilfully, and shout for joy.”
Psalms 33:3 NIVUK
There is a traditional school of thought that a calling is one of the Biblical, trusted job titles: ordained ministry, missionary, evangelist, worship leader, Bible teacher, etc. Anything that is not one of these, is a job. A career is traditionally considered a path of (usually related) jobs over time.
We need to take back the idea that careers are not callings and vice versa. Why couldn’t God be the Author of this process, leading us and guiding us along the way?
Career advising encourages us to review our interests, personality traits, and strengths to paint a picture of a suitable career. However this leaves out the Christian worldview considering how we were designed and gifted by our Heavenly Father. Because most spiritual gifts assessments are focused on the spiritual gifts outlined in the Bible, I recommend considering a secular career assessment that considers your personality, interests and values. It is worth paying for a professional to guide you through the process if you have no idea which direction you want to go. Your local community college probably offers assessment to community residents for a fee.
But your identity, spiritual (and natural) gifting and unique creation must be part of your consideration in finding a calling. Here are a few questions to work through before the Lord. Make time and space to listen and write what you hear.
1. What keeps coming up over and over? In what areas do friends come to you for advice? What are you known for?
2. What makes your heart happy? If it’s sleeping, then think of something else…
3. What words have been spoken over you - either directly from significant Bible verses, prophecy or experiences you have had in God?
If you can’t think of anything, ask your close friends who have known you a long time, or ask a family member who knows you well and who you trust. You have to weigh everything to check that it lines up with who you know yourself to be and what the Bible says, but it can be useful to seek input from someone else. Above all, know that your Father in heaven has input on this too. If you ask HIm, He will tell you what He sees.
The men who built the tabernacle in the desert were craftsmen with established careers . When they stepped forward to create parts of God’s meeting place, it was a calling from God himself, and an act of worship.
“Then the LORD said to Moses, ‘See, I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills – to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of crafts. Moreover, I have appointed Oholiab son of Ahisamak, of the tribe of Dan, to help him. ‘I have given ability to all the skilled workers to make everything I have commanded you:”
Exodus 31:1-6 NIVUK
Their skill was raised to far more than they could have ever imagined. I love that God even thought of gifting Oholiab to help Bezalel - it was too big a task for just one man.
God’s plan for your career exceeds your imagination. What is He calling you to? It may be something unexpected, or it may be something you knew all along. Know that whatever it is, it will set your heart on fire. Be bold and grab hold of the calling you have in Him and in your career.
You can find Beth Salt on youtube at: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCw6K2sBVkVJmxI68lev2bnA
Jeff & Jayleen CHarlot
We have created beliefs about money and, fortunately or unfortunately, they have shaped our circumstances. We hold the capacity, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to bring healing into our financial soul and all its avenues. But it’s just not focused on spending; it goes even deeper than that – saving, investing, giving, recreation, planning, and especially our experience with God’s generosity. In the book, Hicks writes on how to change our beliefs and goes deeper into some of these topics. Just a couple things that impacted us in the book were discussions of receiving, gratitude, generosity, forgiveness, and being a cheerful giver. Hicks writes that our difficulty with receiving is an outcome of our fallen state, right from Adam & Eve. We truly believe that we not worthy of good things. Both Jeff and I being givers, receiving was always a difficult task. With the help of God and through loving each other, we have learned that it goes so much deeper.
Walking in thankfulness goes beyond restoration to a transformation from within. Something Hicks says about this really is a truth bomb: he shares that until we have gratitude in our heart, we cannot respect what we possess, cannot cultivate what we have, cannot share our best, cannot have confidence, and cannot be ready for more. Gratitude is so much more than just saying thank you: it’s a posture of the heart. In the book, he gave this really cool analogy on forgiveness. Thinking of your financial distress as a wall. The door is love and the key to open that door is forgiveness, the kind of forgiveness that unfolds into grace, resilience, new life, and even gratitude. Forgiving each other and ourselves while moving forward after learning how to budget as a married couple was freeing. As we had love in our hearts towards each other, there was a wall that tumbled down: financial uncertainty. Looking back over this past year, we can say that we have come far with trusting ourselves with money. Another thing that Hicks does throughout the book that we love is give practical activations and powerful declarations. We haven’t had a chance to do this yet, but we are excited to see what it will come from it and are curious about how we would feel. For example, if you have a large amount of money in your wallet ($200) for a certain amount of time (one week) and you are to be aware of its presence, but don't spend it. How does it feel just having it there?
God originally intended for us to work out of the “knowledge of good” and the generosity He has let us experience. He will make us rich in every way so that we can be generous on every occasion. But it's not God’s goal to make us rich, it's for us to be generous. God loves a cheerful giver. Hicks wrote in the book that “cheerful” means something like this, "to sparkle cheerfully, like sunshine reflecting on a flowing river of prosperity." Being a cheerful giver is supposed to feel like that and even more.
We would say that the best quote of the book was: “The more willingness you invest, the more generous and expansive your outlook and feelings, the more you will notice, experience and even attract God’s willingness, generosity, and expansiveness. This is about you choosing your emotional state: specifically, thankfulness, celebration and joy. Rather than depending on other people, or circumstances, to shift in order to accommodate you and provide you with joy, you choose joy. Why wait for the rest of the world to get around to giving it to you?”
Hello, my name is Richard Paul, and I am the founder of RJP Bookkeeping Services which is based out of Stayner, Ontario. RJP Bookkeeping Services focuses on personal tax return preparation and on small to mid-sized businesses, providing them with both bookkeeping and corporate tax planning.
I was born at old RVH in Barrie in 1983, and was raised in Stayner as the eighth generation in my family to live in this area.
The funny thing is, I don’t recall why I ever chose accounting. My favourite TV show was Dallas, which I found fascinating purely from a business point of view. Honestly, I didn’t care for the drama in the story line! It was then that I decided I wanted to become a businessman. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with a neuro-muscular disease called Chariot-Marie-Tooth, which affects my hands and feet. I had surgery on my feet in grade 11 and that laid me up for six weeks. During that time, it was tax season and my parent’s tax preparer had just retired. I was bored so my parents told me give it a shot and do their taxes. I found I really liked doing taxes and soon found myself doing them for the rest of my family and then later, family friends.
I excelled in business studies during High School, and even won an award for entrepreneurship. I took that passion to Georgian College and graduated with a Business Accounting diploma.
I have worked in a variety of types and sizes of companies since then. I have been running my own business for the last 10 years while continuing to stay up to date on current tax and finance policies and regulations.
Now you know a little bit about me! Now, let me share some tips about personal vs. business expenses and how to keep yourself organized in both areas
The number one thing you need to do is keep your money separate. Have separate bank accounts, even if your business money isn’t kept in an account labelled business by the bank. This is a hard thing to do, especially when first starting up. I currently have both personal and business accounts and credit cards. Although I try hard very hard to keep purchases separated, sometimes an order from Staples, for example, is for both personal and business. It’s okay however, because you can still expense a purchase to your business from your personal account.
Do your best not to use your business account for personal purchases and vice versa. If there isn’t enough money to cover the cost of the purchase either transfer the money between accounts or don’t make the purchase. This means you need to have a solid business and personal budget, but that’s a whole other conversation!
You also need to have a separate filing system for business and personal expenses. Whatever you do, do not use the shoebox method. Use file folders please. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but the sure-fire way to piss off an income tax preparer or bookkeeper is to bring a shoebox into their office. When you are organized from the start, it can save you time, money and lots of aggravation. This is especially true when it comes to required government filings (i.e. HST, Income tax etc.) or if you ever get audited.
Here are some tips to always follow:
Finally, if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Imagine trying to walk on your thumbs all the time. Big sweaty feet dangling above your head. I hope you’re smiling. I know I am. It doesn’t work well to rely on parts of your body for jobs that they were not designed for. We barely think about the design of our bodies when they are working well because God perfectly designed us each with a body containing specialized parts. Some parts are multi-tasking, some are not. The human body is wondrous and we trust its design!
This sounds like an obvious fact to mention, and I wish we didn’t need to hear it, but just as God created our physical bodies, He also perfectly designed the Body of Christ. He knows what He is doing! But do we trust Him? Do we believe that His design for the body of Christ is best? It is so easy for us to be caught up in what is directly in front of us. The latest crisis, those real needs closest to our heart, injustices that we see around us. Does He have a design for us to follow? If we are not careful, we can end up in a huge game of “who is more right” regarding what we should do that does not end up feeling like a game at all. How does God call us as a body of believers to operate together, when we are as diverse in our giftings as we are in God’s plans for us? How do we know what role God is calling us to in the body of Christ?
We start with Him.
We are first called to be in relationship with God:
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. John 15:14
Then with each other:
And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. Acts 2:42
Then the world:
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20
But how does this apply to us individually?
We are all called to be active members in the body of Christ, each called to contribute towards its edification and growth with Christ at the head; there is no room for passivity!
“When you come together, each of you has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. Everything must be done so that the church may be built up. 1 Corinthians” 14:26
What does that look like practically? Paul refers to many roles in the body of Christ, such as...
"So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up.” Ephesians 4:11-12
And this doesn’t even include roles listed in 1 Corinthians:
"And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues.” 1 Corinthians 12:28
Now add to this the marketplace, family roles, government and a host of other callings and we can see how we truly need God’s guidance to know what our role is to be. Or we risk being directed by the loudest influence in our lives. Partnering with God’s direction for our lives brings empowerment; partnering with any other voice does not.
“The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in his way” Ps 37:23
Can you imagine if a Godly woman like Mother Teresa had been asked to work in an office all day? Administration is a wonderful gift (one I do not have by the way), but the poor would have lost a spiritual mother had she been asked to be a secretary. God knows how He made each of us, and designed us to operate out of His plan for us; this revelation comes out of relationship with Him. In a time of great need such as now, can I encourage you to find your place first with God and let Him direct your steps? There may be many needs around you, but you will bear the most fruit if you partner with what God is calling you to do with Him.
""For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
To prosper you, to give you a hope and a future, this is what He says. Trust Him!
What guidelines do you use to determine if things are running successfully? For some it might be a lack of conflict: “No one is mad at me so life is good”. For others it might mean that all your bills are paid. Others might decide that if there are conflicts or difficulties, they must have made a mistake somewhere. Or do we think things are going well based on how much praise we receive?
My point is that we all use some sort of measuring stick to determine how well we are doing. Some of our methods are healthy, some not. Determining how we are doing and keeping abreast of this is very biblical. It's called discernment and we are called to consistently be growing in our ability to discern what is happening around us and in us.
“But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.” Heb 5:14
But what guidelines has God given us? Proverbs abounds in wisdom concerning acquiring knowledge and the New Testament gives us some valuable guidelines to test the condition of our hearts and lives by.
First, a caution. Proverbs states clearly
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” Proverbs 12:15
Therefore, do not presume to be flawlessly self-aware, but seek those you trust who are without agenda, to help you gain insight into yourself. You might think you are at peace but if everyone is walking on eggshells around you, you might not be as healthy as you thought.
What are some of the signs that we are doing well, that we are in a good place with God and have not wandered off track? The fruit of the Spirit is a good place to start.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” - Gal 5:22-23
Another sign is our ability to operate out of a place of rest. Jesus promised us that His yoke was light. He hasn’t changed. He promised us rest and a light burden, not a never-ending cycle of burnout and recovery.
So, how are you doing? Have you accepted the lie that there is just too much to do and exhaustion is a fact of life? Or is your ability to walk in love and peace strained? I know, for me, these are good signs that I have strayed away from walking with God and instead picked up my “saviour cape”. I mean, if I don’t step in and help and save people who will? Catch the joke? It’s hubris to think I should be in the position of being the only one that can help, and even if I am, sometimes rushing in can do more damage than good. Sometimes things need to fall apart in order for change to occur. When we take on the responsibility for the growth in God’s Kingdom, we place ourselves in the role of God. For He says very clearly:
“And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.” Mat 16:18.
God is building His Body, His Church, not us. Our job is to follow Him. And Jesus promised our yoke would be light. How can we hope to acquire the fruit of the Spirit that Galatians talks about out of a place of exhaustion and busyness, prompted by a misplaced belief that we are responsible for more than we actually are?
Personally, I can usually tell if I am off track with God when I get cranky and stressed, when I begin to become judgmental of others’ lack of “help”, or when my family begins to feel neglected. If I start making my commitments to serve outside my family greater than my relationships in my family, I’m in trouble. And so is my family.
Now things like tragedy and crisis can take our toll on us as well. Sometimes a crisis can momentarily swamp us and we need to give ourselves grace. But God’s peace and rest is always available to us, otherwise we would be limiting Him to the role of a fair-weather friend: only useful and faithful in the good times.
If we look just as exhausted and stressed as our neighbour, if our children and families are just as neglected, if our spouses are just as lonely, what does that say about the God we claim is so wonderful? The people we are helping may love us, but do our families see the same person?
Take time at the beginning of this year to read His view on your responsibilities in His word. Have you taken on a bigger burden than He intended? Do the fruit on the Spirit show up easily in your life? Or are they only for the public? Those that know me know that I regularly give God my imaginary day timer and ask Him what I have taken on that I need to stop doing. And if I don’t do that, my family reminds me to. For some, this may be adding to your days instead of removing things. Either way, holding our lives up to God’s word instead of others’ opinions or our own expectations will provide an excellent plumbline to get back to walking in God’s peace and presence if we have drifted away.
Then we will really be living testimonies of His faithfulness.
I thought about calling this “New Year…New Start”, but I really believe that the new start has already begun. It actually began over 2000 years ago, with a radical new mindset that God was a Father available to all, a God who loved us, wanted to be in relationship with us, and whose love was unconditional, free of guilt, shame, demands and abandonment. This is a love that honors our free will; we can accept it or not from a God who will not manipulate or control us to get our acceptance. It is a safe love. No wonder the new church accepted this with an almost fanatical passion! This was a love available to all ethnic groups, genders and economic brackets. You don’t have to agree with God to be loved by Him, but it is impossible to accept His love and follow Jesus without agreeing with who He is. How do you follow someone without agreeing with them? To do that involves denial, domination, deception and a host of other unhealthy dynamics. And that’s just not who Jesus is. He wants us to know who He is, who His Father is, and then decide if we will let Him be Lord of our lives, or to use modern language, “to be in charge” of everything in our lives, thoughts, and hearts. He doesn’t take away our freedom, He just asks for the steering wheel. Then He provides freedom with the knowledge that we cannot lose His love and we are always free to say “no”.
The new church was so passionate about believing who Jesus was, that they jumped in with both feet. They followed Jesus and held nothing back. They sold everything they had to make sure none of them were without what they needed.
“All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.” Acts 2:44-45
They met together, corporately, each contributing something when they met.
“What then shall we say, brothers and sisters? When you come together, each of you has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. Everything must be done so that the church may be built up.” 1 Cor 14:26
It was not passive; it was dynamic. No wonder they stood out as different! What group that takes care of its own is not attractive? Passionate about the nature of Jesus and their everyday access to the Father, they chose to follow Him.
Fast forward to 2021, and I still see passion, and a fervent call to leave passivity and the familiar behind. The activity of the Body of Christ is not a spectator sport, and it is not limited to a building or event. It is a dynamic growing entity infused by God’s presence, whether in the workplace, the home, over dinner, or where any group of believers meet. Where God’s presence reigns, there is no fear, or domination but there is unconditional love offered independent of agreement, independent of your performance. There is a freedom to say no and to still be loved, and there is a light burden for those who say “yes”.
“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Mat 11:29-30
For we are not building our church, but He is building His church. And there is a recognition that we are not a building, we are not an event, we are a body of believers making up the Body of Christ.
Is this easy? No, it's actually impossible without God. And since we are far from perfect, we make mistakes, so forgiveness and humility are key. The forgiveness He constantly shows us has to be constantly extended to others, something we cannot do unless we allow Him access to our lives, hearts, and minds.
It’s a dynamic thing really, to grow while fully following God, then fall flat, let Him restore you, then grow again. There is no room for fear or passivity in growth. It is full of creativity, excitement, and change. As we start our new year, I encourage you to return to your Bible, immerse yourself in the culture of the biblical Body of Christ, and risk throwing everything into God. It is radical, it is for everyone, it is creative, and it is without fear because you cannot lose the love offered.
Last but not least in our series on The Art of Connection is the practice of being responsive. Being responsive involves hearing and acknowledging the other persons’ view, feelings and values, while also being true to our own view, feelings, and values. When we can acknowledge and hear what the other person is saying, we can then begin to empathize, understand and keep open minded for connection with each other.
Be responsive differs from being reactive. Generally, reactions are quick responses initiated from triggered feelings, perceptions, and assumptions of the situation that often short-circuit our hearing to understand. The amygdala (emotional centre of the brain) is activated and if perceived to be threatened, then relational circuits quickly shut down. When this happens, it is a good practice to take a moment to assess what feelings are being triggered and take a breath before speaking or connecting to another person. This is often easier said than practiced!
When communicating from a place of anger, anxiety, or fear, we inevitably block and side step the truth of the matter or our true needs. We are less likely to convey what we need and more likely go into fight, freeze or flee mode. In other words, everyone loses! However, there is good opportunity to correct the situation by taking courage to express the need behind the feelings. For example, “I feel sad that our need to understand each other did not happen when we last spoke, perhaps we can try again when we are both willing.”
Being responsive is a position that not only allows us to repeat what we hear for clarity, but also gives us opportunity to state our feelings and ask for what we need. For example, a response may sound something like:
You: ‘Let’s see, what you are saying is that you need more freedom to choose how you use your time, is that right?
Other: Yes, exactly!!
You: Oh, perhaps I haven’t been very clear, let me try again, I feel sad because I miss chatting and touching base with you. Would you be willing to consider choosing a time to meet me when it is convenient for both of us? Does Wednesday work?
Here in this scenario, we are checking our understanding or perception of what is being said by another, and then adding what it is we need in a clear and direct manner. The aim of connecting is to work out how best we can meet each other’s needs without being prey to demands, judgements or blame shifting. In the same thread, we can check ourselves on how best we can meet our own needs without being predatory of others, without us victimizing others, demanding a specific response, judging their actions, and blaming others for our feelings.
The practice of being responsive to others who have similar challenges as us may require us to openly sharing our own challenges as it relates to the conversation. Sharing our personal values, attitudes, values or events that are relevant helps to relate and reassure the other person they are not alone. Responding by relating to others is a way of reducing anxiety, especially when entering in with differing views. An example of this type of response, may be saying something like, ‘Like you, I never felt comfortable expressing myself in a group. ‘
Being responsive may involve asking open questions for information and/or develop a point. Open questions help us focus on the other’s general situation, feelings, and needs. A caution is to note is that ‘why’ questions that are directed at the other person often pressure for an explanation or express a sense of disapproval or criticism. Sincere questions will seek understanding and invite dialogue. For example, questions such as “Can you tell me what is confusing you?” or “What do you like about the new school?” Good questioning responses are open and promote communication, exploring what is blocking connection.
Interestingly, the root word to responsible is response.* I love that ‘response’ is within this word because it inadvertently suggests that it is our responsibility to account for how we communicate and connect with others. !re we willing to take this up? Every time we communicate there is the opportunity to be intentional and practice some of the tips from this series.
Learning to observe, empathize, and express needs are three ingredients that Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) schools, has so effectively studied and shared with many organizations as a world peacemaker. I am grateful to know of his work, and it is my joy to share some of these strategies.
Indeed the art of connection in our communication is experienced as JOY when we discover the reward of expressing and meeting each other’s true needs in our real life situations.
*French word "responsible", itself coming from a Latin word "responsabilis", the past participle of "respondere", meaning "to respond". The word did not come to imply any measure of accountability until the middle 1600s. https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/345981/did-the-word-responsibility-come-from-the-two-words-response-ability/345987
In Part 1, being reflective in our communication for connection is about saying what we see or hear the other person doing. A step further to this is asking, rather than telling the other person what they might be feeling or needing. For example, I can see you are pacing, are you excited?
Part 2 of The Art of Connection, the next ‘R’ in the area of communication, is being Real.
Being real with the sincere desire to connect heart to heart requires a courage to share what your own feelings and needs are. Often the idea of being real is interpreted as letting the other party know what you really think about them, or how you perceive their action without apology or restraint. Ah!
Such an approach often shuts the door to each other’s heart and the outcome is ultimately conflict or disconnection. So much for this definition of being real!!
So then, how can we be Real without a pretense and keep a true heart to heart connection? The courage to own one’s feelings and needs requires a process of self-reflection and then the boldness to share them. Boldness for connection does not mean blaming these feelings or needs on the other person’s actions or behaviour. It requires a determination not to blame, label, excuse, demand or fix the other person we are speaking to.
For example, this statement “I am angry because you are always late” puts responsibility for feelings onto another person. In this scenario, being angry is dependent on another person’s actions, and deems us as powerless to change the situation. We are the victim. Moreover, our fixed conclusion that the person is “always late” serves to evaluate them as an enemy. So then how do we communicate this contention without deeming the other person an enemy, and ruler of our feelings and needs? Ah, yes. It is quite a challenge when we have learned a language that seeks to evaluate and conclude.
To say, “I am angry because my need for trust isn’t being met” helps us to articulate and own our own state of being. Communicating the real need is powerful for communication because it empowers us to know ourselves and to share it truthfully. There is no pretense or insincerity posed in this. The other person hears your need without the attack on their actions or being. It is not easy to be sure, especially with trained mindsets to evaluate and assert our opinions.
Courageous communication requires restraint and self-reflection. Self-reflection takes a pause and begins to zoom in on our real need behind the feelings. Marshall Rosenberg’s study in this type of communication points out that when our feelings are negative, there is a need behind it that is unmet. Instead of proactively fulfilling this need in our communication, we often use our negative feelings such as anger to push away and deflect others from knowing our need. Many times, we are unaware of our needs, let alone how to articulate them with clarity. To pause and practice the discipline of self- reflection is a step towards being real. Another word for this is “self-control.” Using “self-control” proves to fare much better than being under the power of “others-control.”
Being Real is indeed the art of becoming aware and truthful about our own needs, and sharing them for genuine connection with another.
Next R is Response. How do we respond to others’ needs? That is, sharing our needs, while being both reflective and being real?
Stay tuned for Part 3.